Vocal Pacifist Actually a Damn Sissy

A special report released earlier this morning revealed that prominent antiwar activist and conscientious objector Dwayne Radcliffe isn’t in any way morally opposed to the use of force to accomplish political ends, but is in reality an irredeemable pussy paralyzed by the fear of dying a painful, grizzly death. Or so says Daniel Timons, Radcliffe’s longtime “best” friend and fellow activist.

Timmons’ suspicions were first aroused when he noticed Radcliffe’s penchant for violent video games, particularly the original Mortal Combat for Sega Genesis. “All we hear out of him is ‘nonviolent resistance’ this, ‘war is murder’ that. It’s hypocritical. In the privacy of his home, Dwayne doesn’t even flinch when the game commands that he ‘finish him.’ And he ‘finishes him’ by ripping Johnny Cage’s head off and punting it into the spiked ceiling. It’s horrifying.”

Inquiries into the reasoning for Timmons’ betrayal of a fellow pacifist revealed tensions dating back 18 months, started by an incident in which Radcliffe publicly chastised Timmons for using bold, aggressive lettering on one of his protest signs. Radcliffe felt the signs seemed angry and forceful in their message, and perpetuated violence against Magic Markers.

Reached for comment, Radcliffe was indignant (and quite cowardly). “I’m doing my part to bring about peaceful resolutions to world conflicts. By avoiding death at all costs, by refusing to become horribly disfigured by roadside bombs or maimed by automatic gunfire, I’m saving innocent lives. Some people think the best way to fight cruel regimes is to fly into combat zones and physically protect the suffering children. I say let’s all stand on clean, safe American soil, find a soapbox on a friendly street corner, and hold up signs. Most importantly, let’s all avoid being beheaded at the hands of merciless guerilla fighters, left to die in a pool of our own blood and tears. That’s the pacifist way.”

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