Hmmm...

Sorry folks, no post today. I could give you a bunch of excuses (It's a short week, I've been busy, Hillary's dead in the water so my work here is done), but what it really comes down to is I'm just not feeling it.

California Becomes Real Life Musical

The entire state of California spontaneously broke out in song late last week, creating widespread work stoppages, traffic jams and general mayhem that will cost the local economy an estimated $340 million in lost productivity and the government untold time and resources dedicated to the clean-up effort.

Local officials are attributing the unexpected surge of gaiety to a sudden influx of homosexuals, undoubtedly caused by the recent legalization of same-sex marriages. Census takers theorize that following the California State Supreme Court ruling, the entire casts of Cabaret, Rent, Singing in the Rain, and Grease descended upon the state to legitimize their once taboo relationships.

It is widely believed that the musical uprising originated at the Harris/Michelotti wedding, where 27-year-old San Francisco resident Steven Harris allegedly dedicated an emotional gay love song, “The Man of My Dreams,” to his new “bride,” 32-year-old Steven Michelotti, originally of New York. The seemingly innocuous tribute to his man-partner escalated into a snappy, upbeat dance number, at which point he was joined by the wedding party, the priest presiding over the ceremony, and both sets of parents. Before the situation could be contained, the entire audience was gripped by a dance fever that quickly spread to the streets.

As confetti dropped from the sky, limiting the visibility of harried motorists, and the choreographed tap dancing of millions of Californians placed untold pressure on already strained fault lines, some residents worried that their worst fears about the repercussions of homosexual marriage were coming to fruition. “I always knew the dancing queens would overrun this sissy state” grumbled grizzled old Barstow Mayor and humbug-in-residence Bill Winkins, “but I assumed it would be over my dead body.” Mayor Winkins proceeded to rev the engine of his two-ton pickup before speeding away, swerving off the road to run down a kick-line of bejeweled performers.

A final assessment of the damage done by the statewide chorus number is still incomplete, but Governator Schwarzenegger has authorized an emergency task force in hopes of removing the thin layer of glitter coating buildings and roads, designing a plan to disperse the massive rainbow now casting its cheery, ominous shadow over the once smog-filled state, and finding a way to restore the pessimism, resentment and greed that Californians once held dear.

Despite the best efforts of the government to undo their nefarious deeds, the spirits of the big gay mischief-makers remain high: “It’s so exciting to be living in a place where high kicks are socially acceptable” exclaimed 24-year-old Pasadena resident Christopher Casselman as he demonstrated his ability to kick higher than any man ought. “Yippeeee!”

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I came down pretty hard on China in my Boycotting Beijing post. I stand by my original thoughts, but to be fair I think they should be commended for their handling of the recent earthquake disaster in the Sichuan province. They acted quickly and decisively to minimize the tragedy, have accepted aid from countries with whom they have tense relationships (Japan, Taiwan), and have shown the utmost concern and sympathy for their citizens. Kudos.

P.P.S. It was revealed yesterday that Senator Edward M. Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor, and the prognosis does not look good. Senator Kennedy has been a major figure in American politics for over 40 years. Expect a future post…

Tyrannical Stupidity

On May 3 Cyclone Nargis ripped through southern Myanmar, devastating the Irrawaddy Delta and Yangon, the country’s main city. The definitive body count is still sketchy, but most estimates put it in the 30,000 range (the “official” government count is 32,000), with that number potentially escalating into the hundreds of thousands should food and water not expediently reach the hard-hit masses (the UN is now estimating as many as 215,000 deaths should current trends continue, more than the powerful Asian tsunamis of 2004, and are saying the government is drastically and intentionally underestimating the toll).

As villagers struggle to clear debris and the trail of bodies flowing downstream, rebuild their homes and some semblance of normalcy, the oppressive government has done everything in its power to prolong and exacerbate the suffering.

Myanmar has been under military rule since 1962, when General Ne Win staged a coup and toppled the civilian government. Ne Win ruled until 1988, first as military ruler, then as self-appointed president, then as political overlord. The current junta, led by Senior General Than Shwe, took the reigns in ’88, turning over democratic parliamentary elections as a first order of business.

General Than and his cronies are insular, paranoid, and power-hungry. They maintain vigilant watch over media influences and potential dissent. They crush uprisings with brutality and efficiency. Witness, for example, the 2007 protests staged by Buddhist Monks over rising fuel prices. The government’s response was swift and merciless. The military arrested, beat and murdered hundreds of the peaceful spiritual leaders.

Their isolationism has led to what can only be labeled a humanitarian crisis in the country. Thousands have unnecessarily died due to the government’s slow response, leaving many wondering why the military, so quickly mobilized when sent to murder and oppress, is now dragging its feet when asked to help the people it, theoretically, exists to protect. They have cut off the flow of foreign aid to the people by refusing to accept aid workers (there is a standing order to detain foreigners), making it difficult for aircraft carrying necessities to enter the country, and confiscating the few supplies that successfully penetrate the borders.

Their motivations are clear: they want to prevent the democratically-tinged whisperings of westerners from reaching the susceptible ears of their disillusioned citizenry, and they want to make their junta the embodiment of benevolence by acting as the sole faction serving the people. Accepting foreign aid would make the government look weak, unable to provide, and foreign workers would highlight the gross failures of General Than’s “leadership.”

But at these goals they are failing miserably. Most of the country is still without power. Homes that were decimated remain decimated. It has become clear that the confiscated food is feeding the military ranks, with only rotten leftovers reaching the people.

Apparently, General Than needs a primer course in tyranny: to rule with an iron fist the people must, at the very least, be placated. If you can convince the people that your oppressive rule is in their best interest, even better, but the masses must be apathetic: “yes, our freedoms are limited and our dignity is degraded, but we have food, water and a roof over our head.” You must keep them in psychological and physical limbo: weak enough that they live in constant fear of your crushing power, but well-off enough that they’re thankful it isn’t worse.

But the people in Myanmar are now without food, water and shelter. A beleaguered population denied basic necessities is a recipe for revolution. When a man is deluded into thinking he has something to live for: a pathetically low paying job, a meal a day, the illusion that he’s providing for his family, then that man can be made to crawl on all fours like a dog. But when that man is forced to sleep outside in the rain, to watch his children starve to death, then that man realizes there are things far more important than physical preservation. And when many men who no longer fear death converge on a time and place, there will be revolt.

All that remains to be seen is whether the people’s rage will overcome their despondency; whether they can rise above mental and physical trepidation long enough to deal a crushing blow to a weak and arrogant government.

If they don’t, they’re even dumber than the tyrant who fails to grasp even the simplest tenets of tyranny (I wonder if General Than wants to borrow my copy of The Prince…)

Thanks for reading.

Barack Obama Throws Reverend Wright Under Bus Figuratively, Literally

Late last week Presidential hopeful Barack Obama, seeking to distance himself from what has become a political train-wreck, threw his former spiritual leader Reverend Jeremiah Wright under the proverbial bus, condemning the incendiary statements of the good reverend as “divisive and destructive,” not “accurately portraying the perspective of the black church,” and “giving comfort to those who prey on hate.”

But fearing this symbolic denunciation wouldn’t be enough to dispel the apprehensions of race-weary voters, campaign manager David Plouffe convinced a reluctant Obama to literally throw the spiteful, spotlight hungry old man under a fast moving city bus, effectively silencing Reverend Wright and proving to voters once and for all that he no longer considered his pastor a close personal friend.

In a statement released after the gory incident, Obama lamented that “it’s unfortunate the situation escalated to such dire necessities, but if forcing the wrinkled old body of a largely irrelevant and historically ignored fringe theologian under the moving wheels of a fully loaded and incredibly heavy city bus was necessary to prove once and for all that I don’t hate white people, which should have been obvious since I was raised by a white mother and white grandparents, enjoy soy lattes and exotic cheeses, and have not once in my life said the word ‘aks,’ then so be it.”

The radical move serves the secondary purpose of demonstrating to timid Democratic superdelegates that Obama is prepared to play hardball against Hillary Clinton to secure the DFL nomination and, perhaps more importantly, will do what it takes against John McCain in the November election. “I’ve taken the first step by throwing Reverend Wright under a bus,” Obama declared at a rally in North Carolina, “now who’d like to see McCain crushed by the wheels of the Straight Talk Express?”

Thanks for reading.