Truck Driver Thinks He Can Hold It, Can’t

Cross country big-rig driver Ted Crispins, believing his rectum capable of superhuman feats of fecal retention, finally shit his pants Thursday evening after holding his bowels for nearly 11 hours from the time he first felt the pressure mounting on his sphincter to the moment an unfortunately positioned pothole caused him to temporarily lose concentration, and control. The result was a steaming, squishy spattering of runny dung in his wranglers, a permanently befouled cockpit, and a ruined orthopedic seat cushion which cost him $9.99 at any Wal-Mart.

Trouble started brewing for Crispins when he noticed the first of a series of signs just outside of Houston, TX promising the “World’s Best Chili.” Crispins, who considers his own chili to be the world’s best, couldn’t resist the challenge. By the time he reached the hole in the wall diner, known as “Mammy J’s,” he had to stop to dispute “Mammy J’s” claim. He proceeded to eat three bowls of the homemade chili, admitting that it was in fact “damned good,” though not conceding that it was the “world’s best.”

Crispins then hastily left the diner despite the pleas of restaurant patrons to give the rich, spicy stew time to course through his system. New to the route and unfamiliar with the terrain, Crispins had no way of knowing what they knew: rest stops on that particular stretch of highway were scarce, and “Mammy J’s” chili had a reputation for coming out fast, painfully hot and barely digested.

Crispins felt the first rumble shortly after departing from “Mammy J’s;” an intestinal vibrato that left him with goosebumps and a fair amount of trepidation. Becoming aware of the impending tidal wave of still warm chili, Crispins clenched his rectum to thwart the onslaught in an admiral act of physical defiance. Not wanting to release his bowels “on the side of the road like an animal” and believing he could hold it till the next public facilities, Crispins frantically scanned the horizon for a rest stop. He would never find one.

Reached for comment, a noticeably shaken-up Crispins said only “I thought I could hold it.”

Thanks for reading.

P.S. Look for intermittent returns to the Things I Care About (And Why) series, but for now I’m burnt out. Caring about junk is exhausting.

P.S.S. I commented in response to some of the comments on yesterday’s post. Check it out.