Dear Friends, I Bid You Adieu

Don’t panic, the Zizzle-Zot’s not going anywhere. But I hope you’ve all started whittling away at your “100 things to do before I die” lists, making plans to blow through your life savings and stockpiling bottled water for the looming apocalypse, because apparently the end of the world is a mere five years off…tear.

That’s right, Zizzle-Zotians. The latest collection of doomsday pseudo-prophets are warning us that the world will end on December 21, 2012.

Why, you ask?

Because that is the date set by ancient Mayan civilizations, of course. According to the Mayans, known for their advanced writing, mathematics and astronomy, December 21, 2012 marks the end of the 5,126 year era delineated by their “long count” calendar. At this time their calendar will reset at zero.

Though no one fully understands what this means, the apocalypse-obsessed have latched onto it as an indication that the world is coming to an end.

What makes this doomsday theory particularly intriguing is that an extremely rare cosmic event is expected to occur simultaneously. On the winter solstice of 2012 the sun will align with the center of the Milky Way for the first time in about 26,000 years. This means that on December 21, 2012, at approximately 11:11 PM, whatever energy normally streams to Earth from the center of the Milky Way will temporarily be disrupted.

So what exactly can we expect?

First, the temporary energy blockage will cause all electronic appliances to go on the fritz. Toasters will start burning Eggos, Halo will lag, and most horrific of all, refrigeration units will shut down, causing our beer to turn warm and skunky and our ice cream to become runny.

A tidal wave of discontent will arise from the middle classes. We will revile at our temporary shortage of cold beverages and frozen treats in the midst of the holiday season. President Hillary Clinton, in the early stages of her second term (say it isn’t so!), will seek to quell the uproar by playing the nurturing mother to the huddled masses, a futile attempt to overcome her public persona as a magnificent bitch.

When these efforts fall flat she will turn to the tried and true practice of fear mongering that has been the stabilizing force of so many presidents before. She will sympathize with our plight, and tell us who we can blame. “It’s the terrorists!” she will say, “trying to ruin Christmas.” “It’s Al Qaeda. It’s Frankie bin Laden.” (son of Osama. Osama himself was killed years before in a raid by Kiefer Sutherland, who, due to severe schizophrenia magnified by excessive alcoholism, believes himself to actually be Jack Bauer.)

President Clinton will start a bombing campaign, using our vast nuclear arsenal to decimate any area where terrorists are believed to be hiding (oddly enough, this includes most major U.S. Cities, as well as all military bases where suspected terrorists are detained). A nuclear holocaust will arise, every power with nuclear weapons will launch them, and much of the world will be destroyed

Due to the extreme radiation our Furbies will mutate, gain self awareness and turn on us, leading legions of Tickle-Me Elmos and Giga Pets on murderous rampages through quiet suburban streets. Taking advantage of the dearth of military power, these lovable cuddle-bugs will quickly overtake the white house, enslave the remaining human population, and rule with complete authority for the next 5,126 years, at which point another “long count” era will come to an end.

To give you all the inside track, I have begun construction on a large spacecraft to escape the impending doom. Though built mostly of cardboard, duct tape and magic marker, I believe it will withstand the extreme heat of passing through the atmosphere, hold up through a long, gravity-less journey, and carry us safely to Pluto, which remains my favorite planet despite its demotion from planet status. Who wants on?

Thanks for reading.