The Republican Party: Giving It Away

I’ve come up with a new conspiracy theory that I thought you all might be interested in: every single contending Republican presidential candidate is actually a Democrat. These insidious espionage experts have infiltrated the Republican Party, risen in its ranks to the pinnacle of power, and now are vying for the nomination to make a run at the presidency in 2008.

Why, you ask? It would be easy to imagine that they are trying to win the presidency, so that they can run the country posing as a Republican while actually pursuing democratic ends. In reality the plan is much more convoluted. It turns out they are trying to win the Republican nomination while maintaining such a low level of public appeal that when it comes to the election they have no hope of defeating their Democratic opponent, thereby insuring a Democratic president to complement the already Democratic Senate and House.

Granted, I’m inclined to paranoia, but when you look at what’s going on this theory makes a lot of sense.

Mitt Romney, a Mormon (already a major setback when the majority of voters are Christian in a country where Mormons are viewed as crackpots – political correctness be damned), has publicly admitted that his favorite book is Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard’s Battlefield Earth. Put aside the oddity of a Mormon espousing the work of L. Ron Hubbard for a minute. Any supposedly self-respecting human being that says his favorite book of all time is Battlefield Earth deserves to have both his sanity and intelligence called into question (sorry John Travolta). This is the man leading most polls.

Then we have Rudy Giuliani. He’s such an intolerable human being that he has been divorced three times and his kids won’t even speak to him. Plus he’s pro choice and a gun control advocate (which in the minds of many conservative voters makes him a Democrat anyway.) And to the left is Giuliani in drag (not making this up).

John McCain is becoming increasingly senile and isolated. He’s hemorrhaging money and recently cleaned out most of his staff (those he didn’t fire quit after the firings). His stubborn grandpa demeanor has gone from endearing to maddening and he seems on the verge of pulling a Howard Dean (next we’re going down to New Mexico – wooo!).

The Republican candidates most recent blunder has been their hinting that they won’t participate in the YouTube debate on CNN as their Democratic counterparts did last week. I happened to catch the Democratic YouTube debate, and found it fascinating. Some tough, interesting questions were asked. The kinds of questions presidential candidates aren’t typically forced to answer.

Declining to participate in these would be an ill-advised move for the Republican front-runners, but Giuliani has stated that scheduling conflicts will probably prevent his participation. Makes sense. You are running for a presidential nomination. You probably have a lot of stuff going on more important than trying to win. Why would you want to participate in a nationally televised debate and connect with voters that you are notoriously bad at connecting with when you could be at an elite fundraiser once again hitting up your wealthy friends for more cash?

Mitt Romney believes “the presidency ought to be held to higher standards than being questioned by a snowman.” Congratulations, Mitt. You just alienated every conscientious voter between the ages of 18 and 25.

It could be that this class of Republican front runners is just really bad, but their blunders seem too calculated, too deliberate. I’ll stick with the conspiracy theory.

Thanks for reading.


P.S. Congratulations to Joe and Mo, married Saturday, July 28, 2007.