57% of Population Killed Since Creation of ‘Vote or Die’ Campaign

Newly released documents paint a grizzly picture of the activities surrounding P. Diddy’s ‘Vote or Die’ Campaign, the celebrity fueled effort to get America’s masses to the polls which has apparently lead to the slaughtering of over 170 million people.

Initially believed to be a relatively benign political service group with a mission to “hip young people to the hustle of the politics by educating them about the power of their vote," the CIA-issued report on the organization tells a story of extreme brutality and guerilla tactics employed to persuade Americans, young and old, to fulfill their responsibilities as citizens.

Despite very real promises of actual physical violence, the majority of the United States population did not take the “Vote or Die” slogan seriously, believing it to be more of a catchy piece of propaganda than a death threat. “Yeah we all heard the warnings, saw the T-Shirts” sobbed a tearful Victoria Craig, 67, who had just lost her husband and two sons to the campaign, “but no one really believed that Paris Hilton would kill anybody.”

According to the report, the misperception that ‘Vote or Die’ was a peaceful group was quickly rectified by Diddy and his cronies following the 2004 presidential elections, when legions of non-voters were forced to dig their own graves before they were summarily executed. Showing no remorse for the millions of lives they were ending, killing squads lead by Mariah Carey, Mary J. Blige, and P. Diddy himself scoured the country on Election Day, arresting anyone not wearing an “I Voted” sticker and escorting them via Hummer Stretch Limo to mass killing fields in the Hollywood Hills.

Showing no mercy even to Americans well under the legal voting age, ‘Vote or Die’ raided daycare centers and elementary schools upon rumors that none of the children in attendance were registered voters. Ashton Kutcher reportedly taunted the children as they boarded their chariots of death. “These youngins should have exercised their civic duties. You’re never too young to Rock the Vote,” (apparently confusing his organization with another well-known celebrity operated voter-advocacy group). Realizing his mistake, he then proclaimed “Vote or Die, bitch” as he hit a toddler over the head with a 2x4.

Thanks for reading.