University of Minnesota Releases Global Warming Study: Summer Months Exhibit Significant Climate Change

On Tuesday a team of University of Minnesota Scientists, led by renowned climatologist Dr. Steven L. Bracken, released what is perhaps the benchmark study on the affects of global warming. After 5 years and $25 million spent studying the climate patterns of Minnesota and the surrounding upper Midwest region, they came to this startling and undeniable conclusion: the months of June, July, August, and sometimes early September are significantly warmer than the rest of the year.

The team of biologists, chemists, geologists, meteorologists, sociologists, flora and fauna-ologists and summer recreationologists came to this conclusion after observing temperature spikes, sweat formations, and the proliferation of green plant matter stemming from a decrease in snowfall and an increase in habitable living conditions during the months commonly defined as “summer.” “From November to February we would often see temperatures below zero. Starting in June the temperature would rise to well above 70, at times getting as high as the mid-90’s. That is a clear indication of widespread climate change” commented chief thermometer operationologist Dr. Barry T. Scuggins.

The full implications of this study are not yet known, but Bracken believes it paints an ominous picture of what the future may hold: “Imagine a world in which the cold, harsh winters that Midwesterners so cherish are limited to eight or nine months of the year. A world in which citizens must take refuge in lakes or large, chlorinated pools of water in order to escape the heat. A world in which a sun retardant must be applied to the skin to prevent burning. In two or three years such a world may become a horrifying reality.”