New Hire Blames Stink-Nasty Fart on Supervisor

In what has been described by Prudent Financial employees as an unwise, ill-advised and potentially career limiting decision, recent college graduate and new financial services advisor Jeffrey Skopowitz, 23, blamed a tear-jerking, knee-buckling release of noxious gas on his hiring manager and supervisor, Lynelle Beckord.

The incident, according to Skopowitz, occurred sometime between 10:23 and 10:25 AM on Tuesday morning. The exact time of the infraction can only be speculated, as Skopowitz credits himself with liberating a succession of stink bombs during this period, making it impossible to know which one caused Skopowitz himself to cringe.

Skopowitz claims that at around 10:20 he felt a rumble in his stomach and realized that the multiple beers and bean burrito the night before, the sausage, cheese and egg croissant-wich he ate for breakfast, and the “7 or 8” cups of coffee he pounded that morning to relieve his hangover were coming back to haunt him. Facing the inevitable, Skopowitz began coughing to cover the series of bassy rumbles and high-pitched squeaks, lifted his right cheek to encourage air flow and prevent the formation of a gas-retaining vacuum, and focused his energies on not shitting his pants, giving the impression that he was deeply pondering the Excel spreadsheet on his computer screen.

When the outburst finally came to its warm, humid conclusion a cloud of steamy air rose to Skopowitz’s nose level, bringing with it a vile stench that can only be described as an inhumane mixture of rotting egg, bile, decomposing flesh and oddly a touch of cilantro, causing him to double over and seek a trash can as bits of barely digested breakfast sandwich rose to the back of his mouth.

Hoping to dissipate the smell before it was detected by coworkers, Skopowitz proceeded to fan his rear with a stack of annual reports, an effort that proved futile as the stink hung in the air and clung to his clothes as only the nastiest of farts can. Skopowitz’s dilemma was exacerbated as a large meeting in a nearby conference room ended and a steady stream of coworkers, most of them high ranking officials, began passing by his cube.

Panicking as senior employees streamed by, visibly gagging, Skopowitz discreetly pointed to Beckord’s office, located just across the hall from his cube, as Beckord, oblivious to the situation, merrily waved to her colleagues as they disgustedly scowled in her direction.

The extent to which Beckord is aware of the incident is still unknown, but reports indicate that Skopowitz has since been assigned large quantities of mundane “bitch-work.” Reached for comment, Skopowitz claimed “I’d do it again if I had to. I’d rather spend the rest of my life reformatting pie charts than have people think I stink, even if I do.”