Tequila Added to Axis of Evil

President Bush called an emergency press conference Sunday evening to declare his newfound arch-nemesis Tequila the latest addition to the axis of evil. The potent spirit joins Iraq, Iran and North Korea as forces accused of threatening American interests.

After regaining consciousness in the White House rose garden following late night Cinco de Mayo festivities, Bush decided that something had to be done about this “growing threat to American security.” Following a meeting with his joint chiefs, at which Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice accused Tequila of attempting to dull the president’s ability to speak, drive, and make wise decisions, Bush gathered the press and addressed the nation.

As part of the campaign Bush is targeting all Agave plants and has issued a nonbinding resolution prohibiting worms from being placed in bottles. “Worms are insects. Insects and booze don’t belong together. It’s unsanitary, unappetizing, un-American. I ate one on a dare, and I lost my presidential dinner. Wasting food is bad for the economy. And then I passed out in a pool of my own vomit. I could have drowned. That’s a threat to my presidency,” Bush emphasized.

Bush has also sent over 600,000 troops, nearly triple the force used to occupy Iraq, on a mission to destroy the small Mexican town of Tequila, where a majority of the liquor is produced.

To put a face to the evil the administration has condemned the actions of former Van Halen singer turned Cabo Wabo Tequila distiller Sammy Hagar, accusing him of treason and issuing a warrant for his arrest.