Why Golf is a Silly Game

When I was young, and foolish, I spent quite a bit of my summer months on the golf course. I played on the school team and my first job was as a caddy at the Edinburgh USA. Then one day I made a startling realization: I don’t like golf. I never did. My friends liked golf, and I just had nothing better to do with my time.

Really, when you think about it, golf is an asinine little game.

From my experience it is more common for the recreational golfer to play incredibly poorly, losing ball after ball in scummy water hazards or thick wooded areas, than it is to play even moderately well. Granted, when one is playing well it’s a euphoric experience; the swoosh of the club at is swings around the body, the clean crack as the ball is launched heavenward, the friendly bounce off the fresh-cut fairway. It’s picturesque.

But is it really worth the hours of frustration that lead up to it? The top-spinning dribble as one pulls the head up too early, the veil of sand as the ball is left buried even deeper than before, the putt that rims around the cup and finds its way down a sloping green. These rounds feel as if they last for eternity, they leave you wanting to break clubs over your knees, or hurling your bag into the nearest pond and heading for the clubhouse to drown your rage in drunkenness (so positives can come from negatives…)

Let’s think about the tremendous amount of time that golf consumes. Assuming we’re walking the course and playing in a group of four, it takes about four hours (or more) to play 18 holes. That’s not taking into account lost time looking for balls gone astray, repairing divots, raking sand traps, drinking, etc. That’s a lot of time committed to a game that is inevitably just going to make me angry. What’s worst, most golfers prefer to schedule early morning tee times (for reasons I can’t explain). The last thing I want to do on a Saturday is wake up at 6 to be at the golf course by 6:30 for a 7:00 tee time. Especially considering I’ll probably be hung over. Brutal.

I’m also opposed to the enormous amount of space that golf courses take up for such an exclusive activity. This is mostly based on my penchant for the public park system, where activities that can be enjoyed by all (Frolf, sand volleyball, hide and seek, etc.) can be enjoyed relatively inexpensively, if not for free. I think true environmentalists (take note Al Gore) should be highly opposed to private golf courses, which have a history of using powerful fertilizers and pesticides, polluting ponds and streams (thereby destroying aquatic ecosystems), and chopping down trees indiscriminately.

But on the other hand, when else do we get the opportunity to spend a sunny Saturday together, riding in carts and calling it exercise, drinking in the morning, and not worrying about a thing but where the next shot may land? Maybe it’s not so bad after all.

Who’s up for a round?