U.S. Leaving Iraq; Cites Irreconcilable Differences

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow, noticeably teary-eyed, announced at an impromptu press conference late Tuesday that with great regret the United States has decided to leave Iraq, severing a relationship which had survived nearly thirty years and seen more than its fair share of hardships.

Citing years of betrayals, accusations, and ultimately irreconcilable differences, Snow pondered upon what had gone wrong. “Perhaps the United States was too demanding,” he mused, “insisting upon peace and democracy. Maybe we tried too hard to change Iraq.” He went on to say that “it’s not easy to maintain a committed relationship. It hurt when they accused us of being an unwanted occupier. If we were tough it was only because we cared.”

Snow was overtaken with emotion as he remembered the better times: the clandestine weapons sales during the Iran-Iraq War, the lucrative oil deals which fed the United States’ rampant energy consumption, Iraq’s retrospectively hilarious and misguided foray into Kuwait, along with the United States’ gentle rebuke.

But in recent months the tensions ran high, until finally an ultimatum was issued: “Quit blowing things up and murdering civilians, or we’re leaving you.” When Iraq proved incapable of changing its ways, the United States was left with no choice.

Snow’s sorrow took a sudden turn to anger as he reflected upon Iraq’s efforts “to undermine everything the United States tried to do for it,” the country’s “complete lack of appreciation” and its “insensitivity towards our feelings as it called for our complete annihilation.”

“They go about gallivanting with Iran behind our backs, then come crawling when things get tough. We don’t need that ungrateful whore.”