Hillary Clinton Eats Baby; Does Other Bad Stuff Too

A shocking photograph taken over the weekend and released late Monday has caught Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton in the act of devouring a still living, too cute baby, hat and all. The picture, taken at a Pennsylvania family restaurant as Clinton was campaigning across the state, confirms long-held suspicions that not only is she a terrible candidate, but is, in fact, a monster (as has been alleged by former Obama advisor Samantha Power) and a baby-eater.

Reports indicate that Clinton and her team stopped at a busy Big Al’s Family Diner Saturday afternoon for a late lunch. When the complimentary bread had been consumed and the harried waitress was slow to refill the basket, the noticeably hungry Clinton snatched the baby from his screaming mother’s arms and bit the precious child’s head off even as the boy’s distraught father attempted to rescue his son from the junior senator’s surprisingly strong grip. Horrified onlookers rushed from the scene in a frenzied panic, many slipping on the way out in a large pool of accumulated blood and vomit as several patrons lost their barely digested lunches.

Shortly after swallowing the last morsel of baby, Clinton perceived the hubbub engulfing Big Al’s Family Diner and grew visibly embarrassed as she realized the magnitude of her error. Quickly regaining her composer, Clinton stood and offered the few remaining diners a ghastly, blood stained smile: “Ladies and gentlemen, we need a leader who is ready on day one. A leader who is strong and tough and will eat a baby if that’s what’s necessary to quell her hunger. I am that candidate. Yes I am! Yes I am!” Clinton continued the chant as an aide quickly escorted her out of the restaurant to a waiting vehicle.

In an interview later that day, the boy’s mother stated: “Until today my husband and I were undecided. Yes Clinton has lied, stolen and cheated, but today she ate my baby, and that is unforgivable.”

This latest gaff comes on the heels of a scandal involving (now former) chief strategist Mark Penn and a trade agreement with Colombia, which he lobbied on behalf of. Details of the agreement are still sketchy, but it can only be assumed that he was acting as an intermediary between American cocaine dealers and Colombian drug lords, offering the Clinton campaign fund as a laundering service. Penn has stepped down as a result of the incident, but will continue to oversee Clinton’s “Procurement of Shady ‘Donations’ Committee.”

In a related story, an insider in Clinton’s camp has accused Barack Obama of “waving to a street vendor known to have sold fresh produce to a guy whose wife is the housekeeper of the brother of a well-known Al Qaeda operative.” The incident, reportedly occurring during Obama’s brief stint in Indonesia as a child, could not be confirmed by secondary sources, but the Clinton staffer cites Obama’s “alarming fondness for fresh produce” as conclusive evidence.

On the Republican side, John McCain, bored by months of uncontested campaigning, has apparently sought to engage in a ruthless smear campaign against John McCain. When early attempts to display complete ignorance concerning Middle Eastern foreign policy (he still doesn’t know the difference between a Shiite and a Sunni…maybe he should read this: http://erikgruber.blogspot.com/2007/04/very-brief-history-of-middle-east.html) proved too subtle for the average American voter, McCain lowered his aim to a more common denominator by unleashing a barrage of “John McCain is so old…” jokes.

Thanks for reading.