Nickelback Admits to Writing Own Lyrics

After years of silence and outright denial, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger has finally admitted that the band does in fact write their own lyrics, bringing dramatic conclusion to years of speculation that Mr. Kroeger and bandmates Mike Kroeger, Ryan Peake, and Daniel Adair are the four shallowest, lamest and most banal human beings ever assembled into one group.

With a string of hackneyed hits such as “Photograph,” “If Everyone Cared,” and “Rockstar,” Nickelback has set new industry standards for mundanacity and forehead-slapping idiocy by spewing out such trite lyrics as “Kim’s the first girl I kissed/ I was so nervous that I nearly missed” and “I want a brand new house on an episode of Cribs/ And a bathroom I can play baseball in/ And a king size tub big enough for ten plus me.”

Nickelback has also successfully demonstrated to music executives everywhere that most consumers are uninformed, ignorant boobs who actually prefer uninspired, watered-down pseudo-rock to anything resembling originality or true talent. Said one music buyer, caught outside an area Best Buy in possession of the latest Nickelback album, “I like that I don’t have to think too much. It’s like I already know the songs before I even hear them. And they’re lyrics always rhyme, which is important.”

We can thank Nickelback for paving the way for a number of other shitty, inexplicably successful “rock” bands such as 3 Doors Down, Lifehouse, and the latest incarnation, Daughtry, which fill our airwaves with overdone posturing, overplayed power chords and the unmistakable stink of desperation as they attempt to make their borderline homosexual rock star personas appear hip and badass.

In a related story, researchers at the University of Minnesota have announced a new study on the correlation between Nickelback listening and IQ scores. Lead scientist Dr. Marvin Hargrove says he hopes to prove that actively listening to Nickelback lyrics diminishes test scores by a significant margin. Though Dr. Hargrove understands that the margin may vary depending on the test subject’s level of enjoyment during the experiment, he expects the study to offer irrefutable evidence that Nickelback is responsible for the dumbing down of America.

Thanks for reading.