New York City Mayor Announces Plan to Control Rat Population: Will Introduce Larger Species of Rat

Following a series of embarrassing PR fiascos, most notably a video released on YouTube showing an urban Taco Bell crawling with the diseased rodents, New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg admitted at a press conference Tuesday afternoon that the unfettered growth of the city’s already teeming rat population has become a source of concern amongst government health officials, food service employees, and average citizens who just hate rats. Mayor Bloomberg also announced that a task force has been at work for nearly 9 months to devise an action plan aimed at radically decreasing the infestation.

“We’re very excited about the plan our task force has presented,” declared the typically smug Bloomberg. “We’ve assembled an extremely capable team of biologists, ecologists, environmental experts, sociologists, exterminators, and several stray alley cats. The very best New York City has to offer. What they’ve given us is an efficient, effective and economical guide to forever rid New York City of its rats.”

The plan? City officials will reportedly import a larger, much more aggressive species of rat to deplete the food supply. A typical New York City rat is from the rattus norvegicus family (commonly know as the “brown rat” or “Norwegian rat”). The task force aims to introduce the rattus cavus magnificus (also known as the “great cave rat”), a rare subspecies traditionally isolated to the Indonesian Islands and parts of China.

If all goes as foreseen, these new inhabitant will first consume all accessible food at restaurants, city parks and garbage dumps. At this point they will turn on New York’s native brown rats, devouring the entire population in a violent, bloody massacre.

Reportedly, this species has been known to consume household pets and even small children as development has crept upon its natural habitat, but Mayor Bloomberg is undaunted by such prospects. Reassuring citizens, Bloomberg stated “Yes, cave rats are known to be extremely volatile and aggressive, and there are rumors that they have eaten a baby or two in Indonesia (government records indicate that 11 babies were eaten by cave rats in 2007), and yes, the people of China refer to them as ‘demon rats’ and are instructed to kill them on sight by whatever means necessary, but I assure you folks, there’s nothing to worry about. A cave rat infestation large enough to result in the consumption of children or household pets is five, even ten years off.”

The team of experts then presented a cage containing both a great cave rat and a typical New York rat to demonstrate the brown rat killing prowess of the cave rat species. As expected, the cave rat immediately pounced upon and devoured the smaller brown rat in a whirlwind of blood and innards, at which point it pried open the bars of its cage and mauled its handler, two reporters and an armed security guard before escaping into the busy Manhattan streets.


Thanks for reading.

PS. I haven’t forgotten about the Federal Reserve, but first I’m going to do my research. Expect a post in the future. We will bring them down.