The latest example I submit to you comes from the op-ed pages of the esteemed New York Times. Our expert for the day, Steve Ross, is the “supervisor of behavioral and cognitive research at the Lester Fisher Center for the Study and Conservation of Apes at the Lincoln Park Zoo” (this wording is taken directly from the article, and makes it impossible to discern whether Mr. Ross and the Lester Fisher Center’s mission is concerned with the study and conservation of apes as a species (and the center happens to be located at the Lincoln Park Zoo), or merely with the study and conservation of the apes housed at the Lincoln Park Zoo. In my humble opinion (I concede I’m not an expert), if they’re having conservation problems at the Lincoln Park Zoo it may be a terrible zoo, and perhaps the animals would be better off in the wild.)
This little ambiguity aside, the aforementioned op-ed is perhaps the most…what’s the word I’m looking for…inane thing I’ve ever read. At first it didn’t even occur to me to take it seriously. I forgot where I was on the WWW and assumed I had somehow stumbled upon The Onion. But then I realized that Mr. Ross was serious. And this article was written to be read seriously. And it had been deemed serious enough by the NY Times, a traditionally serious publication, to consume valuable real estate on its pages.
They can’t be serious.
Read it for yourself here http://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/21/opinion/21ross.html?th&emc=th and form your own opinion, but for those of you with actual things to do, or those reluctant to fill limited brain space with absurdity, I’ll sum up: In Chimps Aren’t Chumps, Mr. Ross finally takes a stance against that greatest of all evils: dressing Chimpanzees like people. That’s right, CareerBuilder.com, PG Tips Tea and producers of Ed (though they ought to apologize for a number of offenses beyond chimp exploitation), you people are monsters. My eyes have been opened to a new wickedness threatening the very fabric of society. Yes people are starving, being slaughtered in wars, sold into slavery. But these chimpanzees are wearing hats, sunglasses; are being put in humorous, personifistic situations for a cheap laugh (or more poignantly, to ask the age old question: what if people were monkeys? Or monkeys people? Oh the humanity…). It makes me sick. And if you’ve ever sent a Monk-e-mail, welcome to my shit list (kidding, I love ‘em. Please send more to grueri@bethel.edu).
Alright, I’m not being fair. Mr. Ross is looking to make an important point: chimpanzees are still an endangered species and people often forget this fact because commercials make their lives look so comfortable. They are intelligent, thoughtful creatures that should be afforded a degree of respect.
Perhaps I’ve keyed in on Mr. Ross because his sincerity on this (to me laughable) issue makes him an easy target. He’s vulnerable, there’s a chink in the armor, I can smell blood in the water (insert your own predator/prey metaphor). But his belief that chimps dressed as people are a major problem shows that he’s woefully out of touch with the real world.
And here’s the real kicker: Mr. Ross is hoping to protect chimpanzees from being
dressed up in business attire and forced to sit in cubicles. It’s inhumane! It’s degrading! It’s beyond cruel! But I dress in business attire…and I sit in a cubicle. So who’s the real chimp (or chump?) Mr. Ross believes that chimps deserve rights. They’re not that far removed from humans (on an evolutionary scale, a debate I’m not looking to start here) and should be granted certain civil liberties. But, not to be an unsympathetic bastard, if chimps deserve the same rights as me they also deserve the same responsibilities. If I can’t pick bugs and throw feces all day long, neither can they. Hear that, chimps of the world? Get a job. Maybe in advertising…
Now, my favorite passage: “Would we condone putting funny clothes on human children so that we could laugh at the way they look like subhuman buffoons?”
Yes, we would. It’s called Halloween.
Thanks for reading.
P.S. I’m considering making “Things That Make Me Want to Punch a Kitty” a recurring series. Thoughts?
6 comments:
I think making "Things That Make Me Want to Punch a Kitty" a recurring series would be a great idea! You're late to the party though - Peter Griffin already has a TV program called "Things That Really Grind My Gears." They're big shoes to fill, but I think you're up to it.
Chimps are funny
1. In the piece, the issue is not “chimps wearing human clothes” but rather the effect of this practice on viewers’ perception of the conservation status of chimpanzees. Additionally – though unstated - the use of chimpanzees in the entertainment industry carries numerous welfare concerns, including inappropriate social housing, early removal from the mother, and frequently questionable training practices. While I understand that some may find humor in chimpanzees’ adopting human-like situations; I think many would also make the choice to prioritize any animal’s welfare above their own mere mirth (amusement – I do not refer to any individual’s safety, health or even general happiness).
2. There is no mention in the New York Times piece of affording to chimpanzees “rights” at any level; the article focuses solely on the implications of placing chimpanzees in these situations. I would also offer that many scientists who have taken a stand on this issue do not necessarily support the traditionally-envisioned “animal rights” cause; this issue is one of conservation, education and welfare – not ascribing to chimpanzees a new legal status.
3. Apes are not a species, but rather a group of genera (which are a group of species).
4. I'm pretty sure the "conservation" part refers to conservation of apes in the wild.
5. Yes, there are wars being fought across multiple borders, children are starving, people are unnecessarily dying. We are humans with the capacity for hierarchical organization and able to hold multiple simultaneous representations - we can multi-task.
--- A concerned scientist from Wisconsin
Great post buddy!
I admire the enthusiasm of Mr. Ross and that’s cute that he cares so much for Chimps, but I dunno, it just seams a little over the top to me, but each to their own I guess.
I would agree with K-Han that making "Things That Make Me Want to Punch a Kitty" a recurring series would be a great idea. The only thing though is that something as small as a hangnail makes me want to punch a kitty, but then again that's just me.
Thanks for joining us, Concerned Scientist. It’s always a pleasure to hear divergent viewpoints. Let me be the first to welcome you. Make yourself comfortable, acquaint yourself with Zizzle-Zot, etc., read over past posts and note that we are often a snarky, silly bunch.
Your concern is merited, for over the years I have shown utter disregard for the plight of mutant turtles, Eli Manning, and barely closeted UFC fighters. Perhaps this was the proverbial straw that broke the camel’s back. Perhaps my “mirth,” my head-shaking and eye-rolling, is an affront to serious concerned scientists worldwide. Or maybe we have a problem of communication. Like oil and water, my sarcasm and your scienceism (yes I know that’s not a word. Normally I would trust the reader to appreciate a little wordplay, but I see today we’ve entered the realm of literalism) don’t mix. It makes for difficult (albeit humorous) debate when one side snickers while the other’s heart bleeds.
But in the interest of sport, I’ll play.
1) “Alright, I’m not being fair. Mr. Ross is looking to make an important point: chimpanzees are still an endangered species and people often forget this fact because commercials make their lives look so comfortable.” I preemptively conceded this point. But, again, in the interest of sport:
The introductory paragraph, which in an effective essay is supposed to propose the thesis and outline 2-3 supporting arguments, makes no mention of chimp welfare or public perceptions about chimp welfare. What does it mention? Chimps in clothes. The closing paragraph, which ought to be a summation of the essay, also makes no mention of a struggling chimp population. What do we get? Chimps in ads. So what is this article about? Chimps in clothes in ads.
And the assumption that “many would also make the choice to prioritize any animal’s welfare above their own mere mirth” is bold, considering we don’t even put human welfare above our “own mere mirth” (consider the popularity of Jackass and its ilk, not to mention boxing and ultimate fighting).
2) The discussion of rights for chimps came from a separate, but related, recent news event. Spain’s parliament approved a measure to extend some human rights to members of the ape family. While Mr. Ross doesn’t directly use the term “rights,” he does indirectly propose that they deserve the same “rights” as human children.
3) Wow. I’m a blogger. Let me go find my fact-checkers and crack some skulls.
4) Thanks for your interpretation. Without your literary prowess we would continue wandering, lost in the wilderness of the NY Times.
5) Yes we can multi-task, but we’re incredibly bad at it (which is why several states have passed laws making it illegal to talk on the phone while driving). The NY Times has room for 4 op-eds a day. I can certainly think of 4 issues more worthy of NY Times space than chimps wearing clothes (which I demonstrated was the point of the piece, see 1). Maybe it was a slow news day…
6) You’re not Steve Ross, are you?
Again, thanks for joining us Concerned Scientist. I sincerely hope you come back.
If not: life is short, try and enjoy it.
P.S. I assure you I never intended to actually punch a kitty.
I would like to start by bragging that I have, in fact, punched a kitty.
I would like to continue by mentioning that this segment had better return in future posts. Zott, do not be concerned about filling Peter Griffin's fictitious shoes, you have tickled my funny bone far more than that episode in its entirety.
Chimps in clothes ARE funny. After reading Mr. Ross' article... I will continue to laugh at chimps wearing clothes. But…I will laugh as much as I do watching a National Geographic special on Endangered Apes. Chimps are funny. It’s not the clothes I’m laughing at, it’s the chimps’ nature. Has anyone seen that YouTube of that chimp drinking its own pee? Or the one where the chimp scratches its but, smells its finger, then passes out? That stuff is hilarious.
I mean… people are stupid. I can’t actually imagine any one of the Zizzle Zottians saying anything as stupid as, “Well, I just figured apes weren’t endangered because I saw one wearing a suit in a CareerBuilder.com ad.” Why isn’t the article about how stupid people are?
I find no sympathy for any animal that is hunted as bushmeat. (“as their habitat in equatorial Africa is deforested and they are hunted as bushmeat.” -Ross) I just can’t imagine telling a tribe of indigenous people being told to stop eating chimpanzees. I understand and agree that deforestation sucks… but never blame any kind of environmentalism bull snot on indigenous peoples.
And I agree Groobs. Wars, starvation, poverty, and disease are far bigger problems. I would gladly trade the extinction of apes for a cure for cancer, or peace on earth. You know what I would miss most about apes? Seeing them dressed up in funny commercials… Wow, I’m terrible.
Good Golly it’s late… I’m out! Love you all! Especially our new friend, Concerned WI Scientist!
PS: Mr. Antagonist and I went to see “The Dark Night” together. While we thoroughly enjoyed the flick… we agreed that one thing that makes both of us want to punch kitties is people applauding in movie theaters… especially during previews…Idiots.
Reoccur this wondrous knowledge please!
Thank you for acknowledging that we are different than animals!
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