Beijing Infested with Overgrown, Martial Arts Loving Reptiles

Government officials have confirmed reports that an infestation of large, Renaissance-influenced and English-speaking turtles has been wreaking havoc on China’s largest city and site of the 2008 Summer Olympics, emerging from city sewers to decimate the pizza supply, stalk young female journalists and unleash so called “Turtle Power” on unsuspecting citizens.

This outbreak serves yet another blow to the great nation of China, hoping that the 2008 games would serve as its grand introduction as a major player on the international stage. The latest disaster in a series of unforeseen, purely coincidental environmental setbacks, the turtle debacle follows closely on the heels of rumors that the world’s top marathoners would decline to participate due to dangerous levels of air pollution and an invasion of unsightly green algae sludge floating atop the Yellow Sea.

The mutant turtles, according to eyewitnesses, are adolescent in demeanor, demonstrating a penchant for silly antics and catch phrases such as “cowabunga,” and wear colored eye bands, presumably to tell one another apart. They are highly skilled in the martial arts, well armed, and should be considered extremely dangerous. It is believed they are led by an equally oversized, wise beyond his years rat, though reports of the creature could not be confirmed.

Chinese scientists have yet to ascertain the origin of the turtles, though they speculate the mutation was caused by some sort of ooze, the chemical composition of which is a secret. They do emphasize, however, that the presence of these “teenage mutant ninja turtles” is only loosely related to China’s atrocious pollution problem.

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