California Becomes Real Life Musical

The entire state of California spontaneously broke out in song late last week, creating widespread work stoppages, traffic jams and general mayhem that will cost the local economy an estimated $340 million in lost productivity and the government untold time and resources dedicated to the clean-up effort.

Local officials are attributing the unexpected surge of gaiety to a sudden influx of homosexuals, undoubtedly caused by the recent legalization of same-sex marriages. Census takers theorize that following the California State Supreme Court ruling, the entire casts of Cabaret, Rent, Singing in the Rain, and Grease descended upon the state to legitimize their once taboo relationships.

It is widely believed that the musical uprising originated at the Harris/Michelotti wedding, where 27-year-old San Francisco resident Steven Harris allegedly dedicated an emotional gay love song, “The Man of My Dreams,” to his new “bride,” 32-year-old Steven Michelotti, originally of New York. The seemingly innocuous tribute to his man-partner escalated into a snappy, upbeat dance number, at which point he was joined by the wedding party, the priest presiding over the ceremony, and both sets of parents. Before the situation could be contained, the entire audience was gripped by a dance fever that quickly spread to the streets.

As confetti dropped from the sky, limiting the visibility of harried motorists, and the choreographed tap dancing of millions of Californians placed untold pressure on already strained fault lines, some residents worried that their worst fears about the repercussions of homosexual marriage were coming to fruition. “I always knew the dancing queens would overrun this sissy state” grumbled grizzled old Barstow Mayor and humbug-in-residence Bill Winkins, “but I assumed it would be over my dead body.” Mayor Winkins proceeded to rev the engine of his two-ton pickup before speeding away, swerving off the road to run down a kick-line of bejeweled performers.

A final assessment of the damage done by the statewide chorus number is still incomplete, but Governator Schwarzenegger has authorized an emergency task force in hopes of removing the thin layer of glitter coating buildings and roads, designing a plan to disperse the massive rainbow now casting its cheery, ominous shadow over the once smog-filled state, and finding a way to restore the pessimism, resentment and greed that Californians once held dear.

Despite the best efforts of the government to undo their nefarious deeds, the spirits of the big gay mischief-makers remain high: “It’s so exciting to be living in a place where high kicks are socially acceptable” exclaimed 24-year-old Pasadena resident Christopher Casselman as he demonstrated his ability to kick higher than any man ought. “Yippeeee!”

Thanks for reading.

P.S. I came down pretty hard on China in my Boycotting Beijing post. I stand by my original thoughts, but to be fair I think they should be commended for their handling of the recent earthquake disaster in the Sichuan province. They acted quickly and decisively to minimize the tragedy, have accepted aid from countries with whom they have tense relationships (Japan, Taiwan), and have shown the utmost concern and sympathy for their citizens. Kudos.

P.P.S. It was revealed yesterday that Senator Edward M. Kennedy has a malignant brain tumor, and the prognosis does not look good. Senator Kennedy has been a major figure in American politics for over 40 years. Expect a future post…