United States Declares Bankruptcy

Plagued with the burden of over $9 trillion in debt, the once proud and powerful United States has filed for chapter 9 bankruptcy in an unprecedented attempt to escape from the deep hole in which it now resides. The steep figure, which grows by an estimated $1.5 billion daily, seems insurmountable in the face of the country’s lackadaisical work ethic, greedy over-consumption of imported goods, inability to play nice with other world powers, and ravenous appetite for free governmental handouts.

The announcement was made late Tuesday at a joint press conference held by President George “Dubya” Bush and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, during which they outlined the difficulties impeding the country’s progress as well as a comprehensive strategy for moving forward.

“You people don’t understand the complications of balancing the world’s largest budget,” bemoaned Bush, “it’s damned near impossible. Imagine yourselves as a bunch of little crack babies, crying for your next fix. Now imagine me as your crack whore mamma. Sure, I may be responsible for some of your addictions (presumably referring to energy consumption, war-mongering etc.), but now that you’re hooked who else is gonna feed them? That sanctimonious bastard Canada? Well, eventually my pimp’s gonna come calling, wanting his cut…Or maybe I’m the pimp. HeHe…”

At which point Bernanke interjected: “Actually, Mr. President, China would be the pimp, and if we can’t pay up when they want what’s owed them…we’re looking at one massive bitch slap, metaphorically speaking of course. What we need is a fresh start, a clean slate. Let’s face it, America, we have neither the inclination nor the ability to work our way out of this mess.”

Bankruptcy law will force America to liquidate or sell off as many of its assets as possible to cover existing debt. This means auctioning off large chunks of expendable real estate (Alaska, Hawaii, states bordering Canada or Mexico, any state with a 1 to 1 citizen to broken down pickup ratio including, but not limited to, Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississipi), as well as a number of valuable heirlooms (the Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate Bridge, Old Faithful).

The floundering country’s military assets will be either pawned off to urban gun shops or sold to African rebels seeking to stage violent coups, induce mass havoc, or indiscriminately slaughter large ethnic groups.

“We are optimistic about our prospects for the future,” President Bush said in conclusion. “By starting over from scratch we can rebuild our country in the mold of a sensible, responsible, ethical nation. Think Sweden, only nuclear.”

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