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A Week of News (Abridged):

Finding myself unable to settle on just one topic for the weekly entry, I’ve elected instead to offer up a smattering of news. While this week has presented an active cycle, I’m uncertain as to whether this idea demonstrates due diligence or a lack of decisiveness. Oh well.

The two stories dominating the spotlight are the primaries and their respective dramas (a recurring theme which I’ll get to) and the looming recession. downturn. slowdown. Opportunity for innovation.

I can’t say that I’m particularly worried about the economy. I have few (did I say few? I meant zero) investments that will be affected by the instability and my job is unlikely to be threatened. It looks like I won’t be riding the rails to greener pastures (a la The Great Depression) anytime soon (mixed emotions).

For those in different circumstances who find themselves feeling the pain: my condolences. I’ll offer two silver linings. One, President Bush and the House have agreed (Whaaat!?!) to a $150 billion fiscal stimulus package. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/25/washington/25fiscal.html?th&emc=th.


The plan, apparently, is to put anywhere from $300 to $1200 back in taxpayers pockets. Most readers of this blog are looking to get $600 apiece. While this is a very nice little gesture, I have sincere doubts about its expected goal. $600 is a great shopping spree, but if the government sends me a check my first instinct won’t be to cash it and head to the nearest mall. In the real world of bills, mortgages (rent in my case), insurance, etc., $600 simply doesn’t go all that far. I wouldn’t have much left over after a month of school loan payments. If the money doesn’t significantly increase each consumers overall spending (which it won’t in my case), thereby going directly back into the economy, what’s the point? I may be alone on this, and I’ll grant that my knowledge of economics is limited, but it seems that the government (and presumably the greatest economic minds) could come up with something better.

On the other hand, maybe I’ll get all $600 in quarters, rent a hot air balloon, take it to an elevation of 1,000 feet and subject the world below me to a $600 reign (note the pun) of monetary terror.

The other bright side of the economic stormcloud is a matter of relativity. At least you’re in better shape than Jerome Kerviel. This 31-year-old midlevel employee of Societe Generale (one of France’s largest banks) managed to lose $7 billion making bad bets on stocks. Ouch. http://www.nytimes.com/2008/01/25/business/worldbusiness/25bank.html?th&emc=th

Moving on.

I’ve discovered yet another reason to head to your respective district’s Democratic Caucuses and voice your support for Barack Obama: he advocates class-based affirmative action: http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2007/05/14/AR2007051401233.html or http://www.slate.com/id/2165717/&#obamaaffaction

Looks like Obama’s taking a page out of the old Zizzle-Zot playbook (he’s wise beyond his years) and growing ever closer to getting the official Zot endorsement (which would win him exactly one vote in the upcoming Minnesota Caucuses).

Speaking of the Caucuses, here are the details: They’ll be held on Tuesday, February 5. Registration starts at 6:30, the main event starts at 7. Find your location here: http://caucusfinder.sos.state.mn.us/. I realize I’ve admonished the caucus system in the past (http://erikgruber.blogspot.com/2008/01/season-is-upon-us.html), but unlike the Iowa Caucuses, ours actually holds weight in the party nominations. Needless to say, we should all go; no excuses. More than a civic duty, it’s a tremendous opportunity to have a voice in the democratic process.

Late Night, don’t think I forgot about you. California has a primary, which is also on February 5. Find your voting location here: http://www.sos.ca.gov/elections/elections_ppl.htm

While we’re on politics, let’s talk about the filth being slung in the Democratic race. With all the posturing, blatant lies and below the belt call-outs, these people are making professional wrestlers look downright genteel. Check out some of the down and dirty here: http://www.factcheck.org/elections-2008/clinton-obama_slugfest.html.

My synopsis is that Edwards looks like the mature adult trying to focus on serious issues while the others bicker (which is exactly how he is positioning himself). Obama, as long as he can keep his cool (which he came dangerously close to losing in the South Carolina debate) will come out looking like the intelligent, composed and thoughtful individual that I hope he truly is. The Republicans, by comparison, look awfully civil.

Really, the only loser here is Hillary. Has this fracas given us a taste of her true character? Has the warm, personable Hillary of New Hampshire given way to the conniving, malicious and spiteful women we’ve feared from the onset? Is this what a President Hillary Clinton will look like? The prospect is even more frightening as she starts to look more and more like the front runner.

The one consolation is that I’ve been greatly amused by Bill Clinton consistently coming to the rescue of Hillary “ready on day one” Clinton: http://www.breitbart.com/article.php?id=080123235622.htsftt80&show_article=1. It’s terribly kind of him, but since when is the definition of “ready on day one” equivalent to “I let my hubbie fight my battles?”

To drive the point home, read this: http://www.slate.com/id/2182065.

Or if you just want more reasons to dislike the Clintons, check it out: http://www.slate.com/id/2182938/

Who caught the State of the Union address on Monday night? I found myself agreeing with much of what Bush said, which really only means he was vague enough to avoid offense. He was his usual charming, down-home self, and got me laughing with his discourse on tax relief: “Some people say they would want to pay higher taxes. I welcome their enthusiasm. The IRS takes checks or money orders.” This had the Republicans roaring and the Democrats squirming. There is an element of truth to the statement though. If we want to pay higher taxes to support social services, there’s nothing stopping us.

Really, most of Bush’s address was inconsequential. He’s become an impotent figure head. Bipartisan legislation with the democratically controlled Congress is virtually impossible due to the animosity. With only a year left, I imagine most of his peers have already written him off, and he’s officially irrelevant. The only thing I took from the speech was that most politicians shouldn’t be seen in HD.

In sporting news, I’m guessing many of us watched the New York Giants back there way into the Super Bowl by blowing two go-ahead field goals in the fourth quarter, losing the coin toss in overtime, and relying on Favre to throw a boneheaded interception (vintage 2006-2007 Favre) to give them the ball back. I was looking forward to a Packers-Patriots match-up. I’m by no means a cheesehead, but I had grown fond of the Pack over the course of the season and I have a level of respect for the aging Favre. Plus, the Patriots already beat the Giants. They never played the Packers during the regular season, and Green Bay was clearly amongst the top 5 teams in the league (a list which doesn’t include the Giants).

But the real reason I rooted for Green Bay is that I harbor a completely irrational hatred for Eli Manning. Is it his propensity to crumble at unpredictable and inopportune intervals? His sniveling, buck-passing demeanor after bad losses? Maybe his “I play the most high profile position for a team with a huge market, but I can’t handle the spotlight” whining?

Say what you will about his playoff performance, sooner or later the real Eli Manning will show up. The Eli Manning that throws four interceptions (three returned for TD’s) against a questionable Vikings secondary that most QB’s have their way with. The Eli Manning that yells at his teammates and pouts on the sideline. The Eli Manning that sucks at football and life. He is the embodiment of mediocrity. Born in any other era, to any other family and he would be spending his days working in a lumber yard. But he was born a Manning, and rode a wave of entitlement to the Super Bowl.

In the world of entertainment, Heath Ledger’s sudden death brought with it an onslaught of speculation: what went wrong? What could have been? Who is safe from the icy grip of mortality?

It’s a tragedy because he has a young daughter, and I’ll admit that I was caught off guard. He had the persona of a celebrity with a good head on his shoulders (they are few and far between), though it has since become apparent that he was a deeply troubled young man.

I won’t say I’ll miss him. I didn’t even know him. But to paraphrase film critic Dana Stevens: the movies will miss him dearly. He was a promising talent that had yet to explore his potential, and the few roles in which I saw him (most notably in the Todd Haynes directed Bob Dylan biopic I’m Not There) demonstrated a tremendous gift to embody a character.

As I’ve watched and read the various commentaries on Ledger’s life and the tributes to his excellent (if abbreviated) body of work, I’ve started to think about the oddity of American priorities. I’m not one to trample on a young man’s not-yet-covered grave, nor do I like to sound preachy or sanctimonious (I hate to be “that guy”), but why do we have such a penchant for dwelling on the deaths of our celebrities (however untimely, tragic or avoidable)?

Over the past week, hundreds of men, women and children have died in Kenya’s tribal conflicts. Many more in the Middle East, Congo, Darfur, etc. Are these people less important than Mr. Ledger? Less worthy? Do we truly know our celebrities any more than these people suffering overseas? More need not be written on the idol-worshipping tendencies of Americans or the media (it’s a point that has been trampled into the ground).

It’s just interesting is all.

Thanks for reading.

Please Mr. Mitchell, No More

I grew up loving sports. Playing sports, watching sports, collecting cards and memorizing stats. As many of you know, Barry Bonds was my childhood hero. He was my favorite athlete years before he became the most prolific power hitter in the history of the game; back in the days when he was a superb all around player who could bat for average, steal bases, was a perennial Gold Glove winner, and still managed to compile impressive homerun and RBI stats. Years before he became the face of the steroid scandal and the most reviled figure in the sporting world.

When the steroid outrage first hit the spotlight, everyone assumed (hoped?) that it was an isolated incident. Bonds was one player out of hundreds. Of course he was using: just look at those numbers. Look at the size of his head.

We chose to ignore (or forget) the fact that Jose Canseco was an admitted user and wrote a book (Juiced) about Major League Baseball’s hidden drug problem. We continued to look the other way when more allegations surfaced: Bonds was not so isolated after all. Superstars such as Mark McGwire and Rafael Palmero faced investigations. The accusations spread to other sports (namely cycling and football). Suspensions were handed out, awards were taken back, and some of the sporting world’s brightest stars fell in disgrace (Marion Jones, Floyd Landis).

The completed Mitchell Report was released on December 13. The document, compiled by former Senator George J. Mitchell, reveals the identities of 89 former and current Major League players who allegedly used illegal, performance enhancing drugs. Most notable on the list are future Hall of Famers (I guess we’ll call this pending) Roger Clemens (who has vehemently denied the allegations, and has a House Committee hearing scheduled for Feb. 13) and Andy Pettitte (who has admitted using HGH, but before it was banned). Also included are a large group of lesser known players such as Mike Stanton and Jason Grimsley (evidence that either A) steroids aren’t actually performance enhancing or B) these guys were such pathetic boobs before injecting themselves that they probably needed the drugs to be functioning human beings).

Now the scandal has spread beyond the world of sports. Entertainers Timbaland, 50 Cent, and Mary J. Blige have been accused of doping, as has writer/producer Tyler Perry. Soon we’ll be hearing of CEOs and politicians injecting themselves with HGH (speaking of, Mike Huckabee has been looking awfully bulky).

I wonder how much of this we really want to know; how far is too far? We’ve entered a new era of McCarthyism, seeking out and vilifying potential steroid users as rabidly as overly zealous patriots blacklisting suspected communists. The paranoia is palpable as athletes turn on each other without warning in futile attempts to divert the harsh interrogation lights. Anyone compiling stats that are too impressive, anyone whose muscles or dome has swelled noticeably becomes a suspect.

And once the investigation is under way, the accused are already guilty. They’ve lost the most important trial of their lives, held in the court of public opinion. The veracity of the accusations matters very little. These celebrities (heroes) have betrayed our trust, taken advantage of our misguided idolatry, and thereby committed the new Unforgivable Sin.

I ask again: How much do we really want to know? Name your favorite sport, your favorite athlete. Brett Favre, Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods: do we really believe, without a shadow of a doubt, that these American icons are substance free? To be a top-tier athlete one must be competitive beyond reason. Do we really believe these competitors wouldn’t do whatever it took to gain the competitive edge? Let’s not be naïve.

I, for one, am starting to think I’d rather be ignorant. They’ll never rid competitive sports of cheaters. Athletes will adjust their methods, find new ways to enhance their performances. Steroid manufacturers will find new ways to conceal their wares.

So Mr. Mitchell, I beg of you: make it stop. Of course I respect your intentions. You’re trying to protect the children; you’re illustrating the morality tale of “cheaters never prosper” and instilling in youngsters the idea that there are no shortcuts to success. But that’s a lie. You and I both know it. And now you’re giving children tangible evidence that cheaters DO prosper. You’ve provided, in writing, 89 examples of men who achieved every little boy’s dream by bending the rules. “Look kid, all your hero did to become great was inject himself with this. Don’t you want to be great, too?”

Ultimately, you are prematurely stripping kids of their innocence. When we were young we had the luxury of believing that we could, through blood, sweat and tears, become superhuman; that we could transcend our modicum of space and time to live on forever in the hearts of sporting fans and record books, and we could do it on our own terms.

You’re proving that legends are molded by chemists creating hormonal imbalances: mad scientists animating grotesque monstrosities in underground laboratories.

I’ll strike a bargain with you, Mr. Mitchell: you do us all the favor of letting this proverbial sleeping dog lie. Forget about your investigation, quietly retire. For our part, we’ll do ourselves the favor of rewinding our collective consciousnesses 15 years, to the glory days when we deluded ourselves into believing that our heroes would never cheat to get ahead.

Man, that Barry Bonds is one hell of a player…

Thanks for reading.

United States Declares Bankruptcy

Plagued with the burden of over $9 trillion in debt, the once proud and powerful United States has filed for chapter 9 bankruptcy in an unprecedented attempt to escape from the deep hole in which it now resides. The steep figure, which grows by an estimated $1.5 billion daily, seems insurmountable in the face of the country’s lackadaisical work ethic, greedy over-consumption of imported goods, inability to play nice with other world powers, and ravenous appetite for free governmental handouts.

The announcement was made late Tuesday at a joint press conference held by President George “Dubya” Bush and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, during which they outlined the difficulties impeding the country’s progress as well as a comprehensive strategy for moving forward.

“You people don’t understand the complications of balancing the world’s largest budget,” bemoaned Bush, “it’s damned near impossible. Imagine yourselves as a bunch of little crack babies, crying for your next fix. Now imagine me as your crack whore mamma. Sure, I may be responsible for some of your addictions (presumably referring to energy consumption, war-mongering etc.), but now that you’re hooked who else is gonna feed them? That sanctimonious bastard Canada? Well, eventually my pimp’s gonna come calling, wanting his cut…Or maybe I’m the pimp. HeHe…”

At which point Bernanke interjected: “Actually, Mr. President, China would be the pimp, and if we can’t pay up when they want what’s owed them…we’re looking at one massive bitch slap, metaphorically speaking of course. What we need is a fresh start, a clean slate. Let’s face it, America, we have neither the inclination nor the ability to work our way out of this mess.”

Bankruptcy law will force America to liquidate or sell off as many of its assets as possible to cover existing debt. This means auctioning off large chunks of expendable real estate (Alaska, Hawaii, states bordering Canada or Mexico, any state with a 1 to 1 citizen to broken down pickup ratio including, but not limited to, Alabama, Louisiana, and Mississipi), as well as a number of valuable heirlooms (the Statue of Liberty, the Golden Gate Bridge, Old Faithful).

The floundering country’s military assets will be either pawned off to urban gun shops or sold to African rebels seeking to stage violent coups, induce mass havoc, or indiscriminately slaughter large ethnic groups.

“We are optimistic about our prospects for the future,” President Bush said in conclusion. “By starting over from scratch we can rebuild our country in the mold of a sensible, responsible, ethical nation. Think Sweden, only nuclear.”

Thanks for reading.

The Season is Upon Us

I realize the deluge of media coverage on the 2008 presidential election has left many of us weary, skeptical, and largely indifferent to the process. Honestly, the whirlwind of candidate coverage, psychological profiling, nauseating politico buzz words such as “electability” and “likeability,” meaningless polls, mudslinging, and millions of seemingly wasted dollars have left me somewhat disheartened. I am constantly reminded that we are controlled by the media, who show us what they want us to see and tell us what they want us to think. We are no democracy. We are some strange mutation of a plutocracy (a mediacracy, if you will).

And if one more person tells me they are an “agent of change” I will punch a toddler.

That said, election season has finally, officially begun (which means, if nothing else, that the end is in sight). I would be remiss not to talk about it.

On the democratic side, the audaciously hopeful Barack Obama won the Iowa Caucus, defeating runners-up John Edwards and Hillary Clinton (respectively) by a healthy margin. For the Republicans, Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee rode the evangelical vote to victory, defeating a pitiful group of challengers including condescendingly wealthy Mitt Romney and the ever arrogant Rudy Giuliani (still hoping to run for president of 9/11).

What do these decisive victories mean for the appealing (if inexperienced) Obama and Huckabee? Absolutely nothing. The Iowa Caucus is purely symbolic, holding no bearing over the primaries (which opened yesterday in New Hampshire - more on that in a moment). I don’t know how many of you are familiar with the caucus process, but it’s actually a strange little system. Iowans meet at gathering places (school gymnasiums, town halls, etc.) and literally stand in the corner that represents their chosen candidate. No secret ballots here, folks. You must display your political affiliation in front of friends, family, or anyone else who might feel obliged to judge your sanity. The votes are counted (though this isn’t as straight forward as “one person, one vote” – there is a confusing delegate system that only the wisest of political sages fully understand), at which point there is an inexplicable game of musical chairs (any group representing below a certain percentage of the overall vote must disband and choose a new candidate.) The process is eerily reminiscent to choosing a kickball team in middle school and it turns out that Iowa, like Monty Python’s Camelot, is a silly place.

The Iowa Caucus is granted prominence by the all-powerful, diabolically insidious media, who will lavish extravagant amounts of attention and praise on the caucus winners, bullying them to front-runner status going into New Hampshire and attempting to make other candidates feel like distant memories in the minds of voters.

But New Hampshire-ians (responsible for the first vote that actually matters in the selection of candidates) are notoriously independent, stubborn people. These tendencies were on full display yesterday, as both Hillary and McCain rebounded from their embarrassing drubbings only days before to win the state.

McCain can credit his victory to a focus on the independent voters New Hampshire is famous for. Hillary, apparently, can credit her victory to the women of New Hampshire, who have shown themselves to be suckers to the nth degree. That many of them would actually admit to having been influenced by Clinton’s weepy-eyed display of battle fatigue proves they are not only foolish, but foolish enough to vocalize their own foolishness.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for candidates showing emotion and offering a taste of their personality, but Clinton’s charade fell flat. Ever since her initiation to the public forum she has force fed us an image of a ball-busting hard-ass that would be “ready to lead on day one.” Maybe it’s an unfortunate side effect of being a woman in politics. Maybe she felt she needed to overtly assert her forceful character. But for this chink in her armor to suddenly appear so close to a crucial vote where the main problem facing her was “likeability”…it seems too convenient, a little staged. She’s trying to have it both ways as an impossibly tough leader and a sensitive woman, and I call bullshit.

I know some of you are leery of a President Hillary Clinton, but it’s not yet time to panic. Neither Bush nor Bill won the New Hampshire primary. Barack has considerable support in upcoming Nevada and South Carolina. On the Democratic side only one thing is certain: this should be a hell of a fight.

As for the Republicans, I’m ecstatic about the McCain win. He’s the one dude in government who’s not afraid to take on absolutely anyone (both his greatest virtue and fatal flaw). More importantly, court jester Huckabee and sleazy Giuliani suffered decisive defeats, meaning (with any luck) that they may make their humbled retreats from the spotlight very soon.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to election season.

Thanks for reading.

As a side note, I’ve been fortunate to see some excellent films in the last couple of months, and have done my best to make recommendations. So here are two more:

I finally saw Children of Men (in retrospect it would have been better on the big screen, but the cinematography still looks outstanding on DVD). The story is engaging, if relentlessly bleak, and it will get you thinking about the prospects for our future.

The other was Juno, an endearing, charming story of an irreverent 16-year-old girl who finds herself pregnant and, rather than simply “getting rid of the problem,” decides to go through with the pregnancy and give the baby up for adoption. The two young leads (Ellen Page as Juno MacGuff and Michael Cera as Paulie Bleaker) are magnetic in their awkward courtship and their slightly offbeat worldviews.

As a first attempt at screenwriting by Minnesotan Diablo Cody (a former stripper turned blogger turned City Pages editorialist turned memoirist), I must say I’m impressed. The script is funny and heartfelt, though at times the quirkiness feels heavy handed and forced.

Even so, I fell in love with Juno (is it creepy to be in love with a pregnant 16-year-old?)

2007: A Retrospective

In the world of journalism (in its many incarnations), the passing of one year and the ushering in of the next typically means schmaltzy overviews from sappy editorialists, self-congratulatory top ten lists from obscure critics out to prove their tastes are far more refined than yours, and gushing remembrances from those out to salvage hope for the human condition. We use perceptual soft focus to make our plight less harsh, less severe, and are thus left with one more glowing year to deposit in our nostalgic memory banks. ‘Tis truly the season of faux-sentimentality.

You won’t find any here.

2007 was defined by war, scandal, and global malaise.

We saw America’s struggles in Iraq and Afghanistan grow increasingly complex (and apparently futile). There is officially no end in sight and public perception of the U.S., due to the daily revelations of new shady dealings and our politicians’ complete lack of moral courage, has taken a serious hit.

Meanwhile, the conflict in Darfur rages on, Somalia has been overrun by Islamic Fundamentalists (and is now a greater humanitarian crisis than Darfur), the Rwandan genocide has spilled over into the Congo (and we all thought that was ancient history), Israel and Palestine continue to shoot indiscriminate rockets over the border, Turkey is ready to go to war with the Kurdish rebels in northern Iraq, the Burmese military tightened its strangle hold on the country, arresting thousands of monks in the process, the entire Middle East is a suicide bombing waiting to happen, and seemingly no one is immune (as demonstrated by the recent assassination of Pakistan’s Benazir Bhutto). Iran and North Korea (and Russia, for that matter) refuse to cooperate…with anything. And perhaps wildest of all, Canada is ready to go to war with Russia: http://erikgruber.blogspot.com/2007/10/canada-on-warpath.html. (I’m sure I’ve missed some. I beg your pardon).

2007 was also the year of celebrities running wild (and making complete asses of themselves). Perhaps the big winner in this category was Ms. Britney Spears, who shaved her head, checked in to rehab, left rehab (clearly before she was rehabbed), lost custody of her children to Kevin Federline of all people, and unintentionally put her undercarriage on display for the world.

Tied for second (though not far behind) are Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie (inmates # 57990287 and 79009378), and Mel Gibson (who includes as hobbies driving intoxicated and strongly disliking Jewish people). Lindsay Lohan had a rough go of it, as well. Comment with other nominees.

2007 was the year we lost America’s pastime, and our boyhood heroes. With the revelation that major baseball stars such as Roger Clemens (say it ain’t so, Rocket), Barry Bonds (shocker) and Shane Monahan (who?) were using steroids to increase their strength and longevity. Every record set in the last 10 years will need an asterisk. Maybe we’d be better off not knowing.

I realize this is a grossly abbreviated list of everything that went wrong over the last year. I couldn’t possibly include every misstep.

Now, to close things out, a message for 2008: Thank God 2007 is over. Let’s see if we can’t do better.

Thanks for reading.